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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| "...That is, finding and holding a job is the pinnacle of their aspiration, as opposed to studying and understanding something for its intrinsic beauty and truth, an attitude that used to be held and cultivated by the aristocracies of all cultures. But then again, America is a Capitalist country.
I won't be surprised that the said banker in the story came out of one of those highly esteemed institutions. You know, they recruit a lot of people from questionable ethos these days. That's also the reason why I find "high" professionals downright repulsive and many Ivy-type schools churn out largely "teacheable animals" who are willing to put in the hours, eschew their own ideals and conscience in exchange for a value system that is not of their own making. Smart but despicable." | | |
| I've noticed that my blog posts lack any appeal of a romantic life. Reading back on old posts, I sometimes wonder if I even had one...maybe just not one worth blogging about. You'd think that a girl in her teens would at least write about her latest love interest, whether it be a celebrity crush or stranger. But these are just things that I'd like to ignore, even if they happen to come up from time to time. There's just so many other more important matters (or so I trick myself into believing) that require my time investment.
I like to think that there's no need to concern ourselves with the idea of finding a significant other because with time, somewhere in the great scheme of things, he/she will come along. Yet, there's no lying that the idea of finding somebody still occupies a substantial portion of my thoughts. It's only natural, no?
And here comes the internal tug-o-war raging in my mind. Why bother, I reason. There are not enough hours in a day to worry yourself with such affairs. Stop tormenting yourself with such unruly things and indulge yourself in the three f's -- friends, family, and food. Everything else will fall into place. Everything will be just fin-- Au contraire mon frere, after all, a girl can have her doubts. Insert insecurities and belligerent monologue.
"What if I will never find somebody!? All the good men out there are being taken by more beautiful, deserving, intelligent, and talented girls! What if I fall deeply for somebody who cannot reciprocate the same feelings?! I'll remain heartbroken and unwilling to move on, wasting precious time that I could be using to find someone else! What if I panic about my future and just end up settling into a mediocre relationship?! I will be 'content', stick it out for a few years, carry on with the rest of my life, eventually build a family, finally abandon all of them in some kind of mid-life crisis where I freak out, seek a resolve, travel the world in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and lastly, find an extraordinary lover to rekindle the romance that was missing in my life to begin with!!"
Luckily such stuff doesn't occupy my mind constantly, otherwise I'm pretty sure an emotional breakdown would occur. Maybe that's why I leave my romantic affairs private as I have for many years on Xanga. Having to come back and read this crap occasionally may drive me into recurrent self-pity. But who knows, maybe I'm just saving the good stuff for a future post.
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| I don't even bother trying anymore especially when failure is imminent.
No words of encouragement can help me through this. I just want it to be over. I just want to go home.
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| I never write in my own time. Class is starting in about an hour and I've still got work left to do. I can't deal with all of this right now. Being stuck in an institution like college may not be the right thing for me. I have to constantly find motivations to even drag myself to class, and now that I've fallen so behind I cannot even bring myself to show my face. I don't know what's going on, I've missed so many homework assignments because I don't even know how to begin. I'm so lost. There's no doubt that I'm going to fail ALL my classes miserably this semester. I've never been so sure about failing something in my entire life. There's no way to come out.
I cannot learn like this.
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| I like doing laundry. But at Stony Brook, doing laundry is a little more of a chore and a hassle than it normally is at home, and thus I usually postpone it until I run out of clean underwear to wear. Well, why is this task so daunting? First off, I do not live in the basement where the laundry room is located. No, I live on the second floor, where I must carry a giant laundry basket down several flights of stairs in addition to the heavy cartons of detergent, bleach, and fabric softener.
However, once I get a whiff of the fabric softener and feel the warmth of my blankets after they've been pulled out of the dryer, it's not so bad. Once I know my pillow cases are clean, sheets are dry, blankets are soft and fluffy, I can relax and dive into my bed of impeccable fresh laundry. That feeling is priceless.
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